7 Steps to Self-Forgiveness

 7 Steps to Self-Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is the best revenge”

6 min read

 

There’s a harsh truth to self-forgiveness. It calls for complete ownership.

I was confronted with this reality after carrying anger towards my Dad for over 15 years. At the time, he was an angry alcoholic that was edgy at best and destructive at worst.

I was too enraged and hurt to see that his anger and rage were just a cry for help, a key sign that he was hurting too. What happened instead was that my anger wrestled his anger in an ugly ball of fiery flames.

I directed hateful thoughts onto an already hateful situation which was like pouring gasoline on a fire that needed no extra encouragement. But again, I didn’t know that at the time. I was dealing with my emotions in the only way that I knew how.

Before I could ever forgive him, I spent many years simply trying to understand him. After way too long, I discovered that the only way to begin understanding him was to accept him. And not just the parts that I wanted to accept, but all of the parts.

However, the only way that I could accept him was to let go of my anger and that wasn’t all that easy. You see, I had gotten used to my anger so I didn’t know how I would feel or who I would become in relation to him if my anger wasn’t there. However, I was fortunate enough to see that this was a very warped situation. So, I began to slowly turn my attention inward to seek refuge in the only place that I could control and understand.

“Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace.” — Mel Robbins

Forgiveness is not weak

Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness — it takes enormous strength and courage. It doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning what happened or putting up with the pain. Ultimately, what forgiveness comes down to is forgiving the part of ourselves that was involved. Let me explain.

I was no different from my Dad in the way I was acting. I was carrying the same rage, anger, and pain that he was. He directed it outwardly and so did I. One was the perpetrator and one was the victim, and vice versa.

What I was most angry and sad about, however, was how crap that anger made me feel. So, after much digging around in my psyche and soul, I saw that I was the one who was creating the anger, rage, and hates that made me feel so crap, so I could be the one to stop it. That was a very exciting moment!

It also birthed a beautiful journey back to myself and a reconnection with my Dad. Both of which I’m incredibly grateful for.

“Know that one day your pain will become your cure” — Rumi

Self-forgiveness requires compassion and acceptance to our most vulnerable, shameful, and ugly bits. It’s not always pretty but it can be truly liberating as the past loosens its grip and a new future opens up.

So, without any further ado, here are my 7 steps to self-forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge the pain

Acknowledgment is the first step on the journey because without saying that I see you, nothing can be seen. Without seeing what needs to be seen or denying its existence, it will continue to show up in unexpected and often painful ways.

Denying anything only gives it more power. Trying to push it away only makes the pushing harder. If there’s one thing to remember, it’s this: What we resist, persists.

Acknowledge the pain, it’s the first step in transforming it.

2. Say “I feel” and not “I am”

“I feel…. guilty, depressed, anxious, scared, sad, angry, worried, nervous, devastated…”

And not..

“I am… ”

When it’s framed like this it brings the emotion(s) into the present moment. It’s much less defining. I am guilty suggests that I am a guilty person instead of feeling like I am having a guilty moment. I am depressed suggests that I am a depressed person instead of feeling like I am having a depressing moment. Do you see what I mean?

Feelings and emotions are far less permanent than we think they are. They are temporary like everything else. They will also fade away, soften, and dissolve. So, the great trick is to feel them wholeheartedly without attaching to them; allow them to penetrate every fiber of your being without letting them consume you. One way to do that is by saying “I feel” and not “I am.”

Its simplicity is its power.

3. Say, “I’m sorry.”

Say it to yourself, say it to the person that you might have hurt, or to whoever might have hurt you. Say sorry even if you have to force it through gritted teeth. This is an important part of forgiveness that starts the healing process.

4. Know that you’re doing your best

If you weren’t doing your best you’d probably be doing something different. So, trust that what you’re doing needs to be done, even if it feels wrong. And remember that nothing is ever stuck. If it does prove to be the wrong thing or it brings out the worst in you, say “I’m sorry” and mean it, and then change course, switch things up, move on.

Life is a process of becoming. Falling down, picking up a few bruises, and getting a few scars is part of the deal. If those falls, bruises, and scars never happen, however, how can a better, stronger, more compassionate you ever see the light of day? In that way, how could you not always be doing your best?

“There is nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to become.” — Osho

5. Learn and grow from your mistakes

“Forgiveness is just another name for freedom” — Byron Katie

Whatever causes pain, anger, or sadness is a key sign that there is something that can be learned or discovered. Try and identify that part of yourself. It could be that you see that your boundaries were not strong enough, or that you didn’t communicate clear enough, or that you expected something that never came, or that you judged or assumed something or someone. Even if it’s small, find the teaching in there and use it to better yourself.

If it was a clear mistake, think about how you can prevent it from happening again.

When we see our mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow, we go from condemning a person or event to thanking them/it. This is a very liberating moment.

6. Be patient

“If you are patient in a moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow” — Rainer Maria Rilke

Forgiving ourselves can feel much harder than forgiving someone else. That’s OK. It’s normal. The only ones we’re rushing for are ourselves. So, slow down, be patient, don’t take things so personally, or seriously. Trust the process, be kind toward yourself. Smile. You are becoming. You are growing.

You are exactly where you need to be. You are ready to forgive.

7. Forgive

Forgive yourself for not being perfect. You are a beautiful human being that is doing the best you can. Forgive yourself for your flaws. We all have them, and they make us who we are. Forgive yourself for not being stronger. You are stronger than you think, you are stronger and more glorious than you ever imagined possible.

Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. Remember that they have helped you get to where you are now, just as this pain will shape the new you in the future. Forgive your future self for the mistakes that they will make. They are an inevitable part of this mad adventure we call life, and they are often our biggest, most meaningful teachers. Thank them. Thank you. You are the student and the teacher. You are the cure and you are the pain.

Forgive yourself for the bad thoughts you have. Take joy in at least knowing that you see them. Forgive yourself for only seeing them now. Forgive yourself for the times you’ve been angry, sad, hateful, and for all of the things you wished you had never said. Trust that they are now someone else’s greatest teacher. Forgive yourself for being a flawed human being, and then celebrate that you are still human.

Forgive yourself for the failures and the setbacks, for the mistakes and the shortcomings. They have brought you to where you are today and they will take you to where you are going tomorrow.

Now, repeat after me:

I’m sorry

I love you

Please forgive me

Thank you